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First, it helps to understand a bit about our psychology. While we don’t discount the importance and pleasure of social dialogue; we with AS tend to find great satisfaction/pleasure/comfort in the recitation/repetition of stylized facts and information. They are a safe conversational “place” for us, free from the vagaries and unpredictability of typical human conversation. We don’t intend to be disrespectful, but we do—at least subconsciously—act to protect/preserve our own interests. Therefore, transitioning us out of our singular topic is slightly risky and is best attempted with explicit clarity.
Here are three ways to escape the monservation:
1. PREMPT the monversation by helping your aspie child/student analyze a typical conversation. Analyze means to “break down into its constituent parts” so, this exercise is designed to calibrate your Aspie’s sense of what normal conversational interchange look like. As with many cognitive approaches to Asperger’s symptoms, the point of this exercise is to make explicit the intuitive or implicit social rules that most humans learn without direct instruction. How is works: choose a sample of conversation with two partners (work up to three or four as the person with AS can handle it.)
Have the child track the conversation for turn-taking, making a tally mark each time the conversation switches speakers.
Have the child track “echoing” which is a technique we use to synchronize our response with the speaker. This involved repeating or rephrasing a concept or term offered by the other conversant in such a way to amplify, extend, or affirm the original speaker’s idea.
Have the child track non-verbal agreement and attention indicators such as eye contact, “uh-hum’s” postural changes, nods.
Have the child diagram the “conversation train” showing how topics shift over time and trying to see when the conversation jumps the track. For many of us with AS, it is hard to understand how a conversation about the weather can end up in a political debate. (Strangely though, we can turn almost any topic onto our obsessive cul-de-sac.)
If possible, videotape a conversation with your child/student and have them analyze then compare. As much as possible, have the child treat the typical conversation as a template.
2. DISRUPT the monversation by using specific coded cues that only you and the child understand. I like to use proper nouns, such as the speaker’s name. If the child is conversing appropriately, then I use pronouns such as you, he, or we. For example, I might point agree with a statement saying, “We had a similar experience.” But if the child with AS is monopolizing the conversation I might say, “David, do you know if Mr. Jacobsen has ________________________?” This disrupts (hopefully) the monversation by reintroducing the other partner, and by inviting the other conversant to lead for a bit. You could also use colors, numbers, etc. depending on the standard obsession. I like to use the names of people as a way to get my child’s attention and redirect it back to the other person.
3. CONCLUDE the monversation explicitly by setting an end point. I like to choose a set number of facts or stories, such as: “David, you may tell me two more facts about Pokémon and then we are going to have a two-way conversation about some other topics.” Alternatively, for an adult with whom the previous approach would seem condescending, I would be more peer-oriented and say, “John, your interest in hurricanes is more extensive than mine. I would like to change the subject and talk about several other topics as well. While this might seem intrusive and impolite to most people, we Aspies tend to prefer direct conversational direction versus hints and indirect overtures. Key phrases like “change the subject” or “talk about something else” are hard to miss. Even someone with AS will learn your conversational preferences. Asking guided questions is rarely effective at dislodging an Aspie from their preferred conversational track—it is simply too subtle. Making a request or even a polite direction is much more likely to work.
Happy redirecting!
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