As a spectrum citizen, I have spent my life in a state of perpetual uncertainty about how to read other people. This series will explain some techniques that I use and have coached others to use. In most cases, the techniques replace intuition (a non-cognitive behavior) with observation (a cognitive behavior).
Credit to my mom and a friend of hers for turning me on to the term “cognitive empathy.” Daniel Goleman (Emotional Intelligence) has a nice article on three types of empathy—cognitive, emotional, compassionate—over at his website.
When and how to end a conversation
The Problem
As a high school principal, I experience a constant stream of “gotta minute?” conversations. I appreciate these because they keep me connected with people and issues, but some of these conversations are inefficient or intrusive. I’m especially bad at ending these conversations. Partly because I’m in a position of authority, my colleagues often feel like they need to stay in the conversation until I end it and sort of “dismiss” them. The military protocol makes this very easy, but that doesn’t work so well at a school. As a consequence, I sometimes think the conversation is over and turn to my desk to start a new task, while my poor colleague is left in limbo wondering when we finished. So, at the start of the year I tell my staff, “I’m very bad at ending conversations, so don’t be offended if I seem to leave something hanging or don’t know how to stop. I won’t be offended if you need to end abruptly and get to class, etc…” Usually I am not very good at asserting my need to end a conversation or recognizing my partner’s need to leave and go to the next item on their to-do list. This happens all the time in settings other than at work, so maybe you can adapt these techniques for your needs.
What I am learning to do:
During a conversation, I observe closely for a state change. This could be my partner packing up his materials, closing up his binder, putting away his pens, etc. The state change could be more overt, such as standing up from a chair or edging towards the door. Usually, the indicators are subtle, such as eyes flickering towards the clock or watch, a partner checking their cell phone (when no call has arrived), or a change in overall body posture from relaxed and informal to slightly tensed in anticipating of leaving. I can observe these signals when I remember.
(As a rule, I can avoid some of these tensions if I explicitly negotiate an end time for the conversation in advance, but most of my meetings are not that formal.)
If you are learning, or are coaching a child to recognize these patters, try watching an interactive movie (the Austen movies, & many Tom Hanks films work) or just about any group setting such as a party, a church social, lunchtime at school. While watching, see if you can observe indicators that the conversation is about to end. If a movie conversation seems to end unexpectedly, rewind to see if there were cues. Make this a game, like accurately predicting when the traffic signal will change. By explicitly watching for these cues, even those of us with citizenship on the spectrum can learn to observe what others intuit.
When I see a trigger:
The first strategy is to check my understanding. If I see my partner packing up or checking her watch, then I ask, “Do we need to finish our conversation?” Usually, they are relieved that I have broached the subject and they agree to conclude—sometimes rushing out the door. If I misread the signal, then I known, and I can stop stressing about orchestrating an immediate conclusion.
If I read them rightly:
The actual conclusion remains the most difficult thing for me. I am adding a script to the ends of my mini-meetings. I try to pair this script with stage directions such as, [Peter rises from his chair and steps towards the door]
1. “Is there anything else that I need to do or tell you?”
2. “Thank you for dropping in. I appreciate what you shared/your concern/this plan/our talk/working with you. (This should be genuine gratitude.)
3. Some type of totally appropriate “connection.” This could be a very appropriate light touch on the shoulder, an appropriate handshake (I’m learning that one) strong eye contact with a nod, or whatever is right for the norms of the setting. If you don’t know the norms or are working with someone who is learning those norms, ask someone who seems “easy” with interactions. There are always people like that who will let you observe them or ask questions.
4. A clear “goodbye.” Nobody misunderstands goodbye.
As an aside, when I used to consult quite frequently in Latin America, it took me quite awhile to get comfortable with the practice of brushing cheeks/air kissing as a gesture of friendship. Once I got past the unfamiliarity of the gesture though, it became a nice little social puzzle to anticipate and participate correctly.
You’ll notice that this post is not about how not to monopolize a conversation with my special interests. That’s another topic, and well covered by others elsewhere. This is about the specific need to end a conversation efficiently and appropriately.
What if you are ready to end and your partner is not?
I’m already laughing at this, because it is what we aspies do to NT’s all the time, yet it can happen to us. Just for fun, wander into a model train store some Sunday afternoon. Don’t initiate conversation, but see how long it takes someone to approach you and start telling you details about the model/landscape/electronics nearest to you. There is no proof that all model train enthusiasts have Asperger’s but I’m just sayin’.
So, if you are in a conversation and don’t want to be trapped, here’s what to do.
Least instrusive: Wait for a pause or breath and transition to the conclusion thusly:
I’d like to know/talk/think more, but right now I’m going to shift to another meeting/task/location/activity. (I avoid the phrase “I need to shift” because it seems to pass responsibility to the next task or person. I use “I’m going to…” because it projects appropriate, assertive determination.”
More intrusive: Interrupt the other person while they are talking with, “Excuse me, I’d like to let you finish that thought and then I’m going to shift to another…”
Most intrusive: Stand up while your partner is talking and begin the interruption at the same time.
If your partner complains, “But I’m not finished” then you need to make an appointment for more time in the future.
This is not a perfect approach, but many of us with ASD conditions have substantial powers of observation and cognition. We can use these to complement and strengthen our less-developed intuitive empathy.
Happy conversing!
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