Desperation: The Third Stage of Asperger's Awareness

DESPERATION:

Though ignorance is bliss and inkling is promising, there is a dip of desperation before dawn breaks. The stage of desperation is the time when we know enough to be disturbed, but not enough to take action. Sadly, desperation is not the bottom—that comes later…

In desperation, parents move from suspicion to certainty. Rather than wondering if their child is really different, parents begin to catalog and investigate those differences. Since most of the differences are problematic, parents are usually investigating as a matter of self-defense. (Nobody gets hot and troubled trying to “solve” musical talent or prodigious intellect.) Those suffering from what I call Asparent’s Syndrome are more likely to need support and understanding.

In our family, we entered desperation on the first Friday of our son’s first-grade year. Before he went to school, my wife contacted his new teacher and informed her about some of David’s “different” behaviors. Mrs. S., who has since become a dear family friend, responded to my wife and said, “I see what you mean.” The teacher gave us external confirmation that we weren’t imagining things. While it verified our sanity, it also drove us straight into desperation. I can draw a direct line from that Friday message to the day an IEP team determined that David was on the Autism Spectrum. The period between validation and diagnosis was a fearful and desperate time. But it helped us along the way toward a better day.

For parents, fear escalates along with certainty and clarity. For the subject, the path through desperation may look different. To some degree, the subject with Asperger’s is not as motivated to figure out what’s up, but how to get along. As Temple Grandin has famously observed, the child with Autism/Asperger’s must learn how to imitate proper human behavior. Thus, the child’s focus (or teen’s, or adult’s) is less about labeling the condition, and more about learning to live with it. For me, as a child with Asperger’s, I didn’t care what I was. I just knew I was me, and that parts of me were unacceptable. I didn’t have enough ego development to reflect on how different I was from the norm. Instead, I learned (very imperfectly) to suppress the parts of me that seemed to provoke ridicule and hostility. I also tried (very clumsily) to accentuate the parts of me that earned praise and acceptance. The result, common to many with Asperger’s, is the emergence of a survival system of masks and façades and the practice of rapid identity switching. Some with Asperger’s are better than others, but all of us expend tremendous energy trying to cope. It is hard and desperately so, but it is a desperation for doing rather than the desperation for knowing common to our Asparents.

In the season of desperation, knowledge about the symptoms moves completely out of the hidden quadrant and across the blind and public arenas. As parents seek answers, they talk with the child—which makes it clear that the behaviors are under observation. At least within the family domain, desperation is public.

Some aspects of how people—even parents—perceive Asperger’s behaviors may remain unknown to the subject, so desperation is an appropriate time for parents to provide gentle and caring feedback. This feedback should not take the form of demands, accusations, and ultimatums. Instead, parents might choose an inquiry approach. Asking a child to compare his or her behaviors with peers in similar situations is a non-judgmental way to begin identifying and discussing non-standard behaviors.

The reason parents must be careful and protective during this stage is because the child’s sense of difference is now an open issue and has negative impacts on self-concept and self-esteem.

Desperation can be a brief season, but it is real and necessary because it drives the discovery and diagnosis that begins a walk into the light. Fortunately, that light is coming.

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More insights from the Asperger's Expert are on the main page.

Inkling: Stage Two of Asperger's Awareness

INKLING:

The path from ignorance to awareness is not well marked. There are few mileposts or road signs along the way and it can be hard to discern movement from one stage to another. Everyone exits the stage of blissful ignorance at a different place in a different way. A mother may have a blind spot about her child because she is accustomed to some idiosyncratic behaviors, while a father may see those behaviors and mirror or deny them. Sometimes it takes an outsider to encounter the behavior and immediately place it outside the range of typical.

In other cases, the intimacy of self or parent observation leads to early detection and recognition of Asperger’s symptoms, well before the syndrome is named and researched. As one parent commented on my Stage One post, “I had an awareness from birth…that something was up.” For a parent—often a mom—who is investing massive amounts of intimate time in her child, subtle symptoms like eye contact, muscle tone, distractibility, and even some aspect of how a baby rests (or doesn’t) in her arms can be an early indicator. Though they don’t all have Asperger’s, I have learned that my instinctive recognition that a child is getting sick is usually correct. There is some combination of breath odor, skin “feel” and a general subdued attitude that always precedes a heavy cold or flu. I’m sure there’s some more subtle and subconscious dynamic going on that allows some parents to sense Asperger’s well before any formal diagnostic criteria emerge.

At the other end of the spectrum are subjects who make it well into childhood, teen years, or adulthood without suspecting or raising suspicion of Asperger’s syndrome. Sometimes, the dynamics of adolescence are a powerful catalyst for bringing Asperger’s symptoms into focus. A child who seems normally quiet or withdrawn might be masking AS incompetence that comes to the surface during adolescent attempts at friend-making or romance. I remember clearly that during my fourth-year I had an epiphany about how people think about each other. I was convinced that my looks, my voice, my geekiness, my poor eyesight, etc. were the subject of constant recognition and criticism by all my classmates. One day I realized that I spent very little time observing and evaluating my peers, so it made sense that they spent very little time critiquing me. That realization was liberating (too much so, as I will share when I blog about Stage Five: Darkness). What other may have picked up on through intuition, I only accessed through cognition. The truth is, my self-consciousness was way out of proportion on the high side. Being an Aspergian extremist, I promptly swung my pendulum round to the other extreme.

By sixth grade, I knew I was something. When we were required to write Valentine’s Day cards to all the students in our class, I got some that were signed, “Not Really.” I knew I was intelligent and articulate. I could sing a bit and was tall enough to compensate for being slow and clumsy. I didn’t know why nobody liked me, but I knew it was true. I had an inkling of my Aspergian citizenship that persisted unresolved for 20 years.

Most people, especially in 2010, don’t take 20 years to transition from ignorance through inkling to dawn. There are so many resources and conversations about Asperger’s and Autism that someone is sure to vocalize a curiosity much more quickly. That vocalized curiosity, whether it comes from the subject, parents or someone else, is the beginning of the shift from ignorance toward awareness.

In the world of Johari window insights, inkling is when Asperger’s begins to move from the unknown pane into (usually) the blind spot. Although some teens and adults with Asperger’s may begin to suspect and self-diagnose, it is much more common for the first recognition to come from someone else. Since Asperger’s inhibits the aspects of self-awareness that include comparative social observations, the subject is less likely to observe the package of stereotypical behaviors and interests, social awkwardness, pedantic language that are external markers of Asperger’s. Thus, the movement through Johari is almost always from unknown to blind.

Once it is in the blind spot, Asperger’s is evident to someone. If that or those individuals are parents, the recognition raises concerns and lowers esteem. Without a clear answer, parents are left wondering, “What’s wrong/different/odd about my child?” Answers lag questions by months or years, and the intervening period is marked by decreased optimism and parent-esteem. Often, the subject picks up on the parent angst and misinterprets it as disapproval or disappointment. This is a pattern that re-manifests later on and can trigger a dark and dismal period.

Inkling is a relatively passive stage, but it leads through desperation before an explosion of learning, awareness, and recognition. Stay tuned for some stories about the desperation before dawn breaks.

In the meantime though, please retweet and/or add your comments below about how you first got an inkling that set you on the path towards Asperger’s Awareness. I’m glad to be there with you.

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More insights from the Asperger's Expert are on the main page.

Bliss: The first stage of Asperger’s Awareness

BLISS

During the first stage of Asperger’s Awareness, nobody knows about the syndrome. Not only is the presence of the syndrome unknown, but neither the parents nor the subject may observe any symptoms. This blissful ignorance may be simply a factor of age. Until a child is 2-4 years old, the basic symptoms of Asperger’s are difficult to detect before the child’s language and cognitive development are sufficiently established.

As an example, a toddler Aspie may not have sufficient social interaction to reveal the impairments that emerge in childhood. While some of the early indicators of Asperger’s may be unusually advanced vocabulary or hyperlexia, with an infant or toddler, those symptoms are still below the threshold of detection.

Blissful ignorance can also be a function of denial, mild symptoms, or sophisticated coping skills. A family with an Aspie member might engage in various levels of denial, either celebrating his intellectual/verbal skills or ability to interact comfortably with adults. Ignoring the challenges of Asperger’s while emphasizing its gifts can be a conspiracy within the family system that keeps the status quo in place. Denial takes a lot of energy, and the energy required to stay in ignorance is rarely sustainable.

In stage one, Bliss, the presence of Asperger’s Syndrome is located in the unknown quadrant of the Johari window. For more information about the dynamics of the Johari Window, please review my earlier post on the background for this stage model.

Logically, anyone who is learning about stage one is no longer in stage one. So why spend time discussing bliss? As with many family and psychological dynamics, the seeds of later challenges are sown early on. Some of the patterns that can cause problems for childe and teen Aspies—not to mention adults with the syndrome—begin in first stage, when Asperger’s is still unknown. Patterns of sensitivity, excuse-making, blaming, protecting, rescuing, denying, etc. can all begin when parents and subjects are still ignorant of the syndrome. In some cases, these family system dynamics are themselves powerful forces that create additional complications later on. Subjects and their families who learn about Asperger’s at any point may find it useful to reflect on ways they may have been responding to Asperger’s without knowing it.

During the first stage, both subject and the family have a relatively neutral level of self-esteem and self-identity. As Asperger’s emerges from obscurity, self and family-esteem is one of the first casualties. It is rare for a family to learn about Asperger’s without suffering some sense of loss and inadequacy. Bliss is temporary, but it is a necessary and universal precursor to Stage Two: Inkling.

Please share your comments below. Have you experienced bliss? Do you sometimes wish you could regress back to bliss?

Check back in a few days for some thoughts on Stage Two.

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More insights from the Asperger's Expert are on the main page.

The Seven Stages of Asperger’s Awareness: Background

Stage-Based Background:

Many psychological developments progress through a sequence of experiences. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross described the five stages of grief as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Others have added stages such as renewal and hope. Understanding the process has helped many of us deal with grief and grieving. C.S. Lewis, in his book A Grief Observed, gave us the gift of a description of grief through the experience and expression of a gifted writer. Sometimes, we can learn vicariously through the experiences of others. That learning can be a comfort and a source of sanity in the midst of chaotic times.

Unlike stage theories, many personality theories (DISC, Myers-Briggs/Kiersey, LIFO) propose that our working personality has a number of dimensions. The number four seems to be common, though there are other configurations. The Johari Window, while not exactly a personality theory, is a way of visualizing the interaction of various aspects of our identity. I have found the Johari window a helpful way of explaining the value of learning, reflection, disclosure, and feedback.

Johari Background:

Here’s a basic look at the Johari Window. (The window is named for its creators, Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham).

The two dimensions of knowledge intersect to form four quadrants. Quadrant one is variously called the Public, Arena, or Open quadrant. The public arena contains everything about our self that is known to us and known or at least accessible to others. This might include our gender, height, name, and anything else we choose to reveal. Quadrant two is the blind spot containing things about ourselves that are known to others, but unknown to us. I often use bad breath and the way our colleagues regard us as examples from quadrant two. Quadrant three is the unknown, mystery, and it contains things about you that are both true and unknown. The presence of early stage cancer or the capacity for athletic accomplishment are both legitimate examples of information from the unknown quadrant. Often, the revelation and reassignment of unknown information is challenging and traumatic. The final quadrant is the hidden, avoided, or façade dimension. This contains everything we know about ourselves but have not disclosed.

In addition to the major principles of the Johari window that are explained elsewhere, I observe four important dynamics.

1. The choice to disclose personal information increases the public quadrant at the expense of the hidden quadrant.

2. Feedback from others increases the public quadrant at the expense of the blind quadrant.

3. Our window looks different in different settings. The shape of our window with a spouse would has a smaller hidden domain than with our children. That with our family should be shaped differently from our professional or public profile.

4. In the age of Facebook, and other broadcasting social media, impulsive self-disclosure is riskier than ever before.

Application:

Both stage-based wisdom and personality theories are helpful ways to understand the experience of Asperger’s Syndrome. Most of us start in ignorance and end up somewhere along the path toward acceptance. Some veer into self-hatred, while others become so pro-Asperger’s they end up becoming hostile to those in the neuro-typical population.

This series is a way to think about the progress of discovering Asperger’s. I am sure that my insights generalize and oversimplify from my experience as a person with AS, a father of an Aspie, and a principal to many more. So I’ll cede the technical and scholarly ground and speak more simply about how I’ve seen many people experience this process. If you find yourself anywhere in the descriptions, I’d like to hear from you so I can correct and refine the model.

In the next few posts, I will develop a model of Asperger's Awareness that may be helpful to Aspies, their parents, and those who serve them in schools and other settings. Thanks for adding your insights as we go. I suggest that this model is a gentle way to help bring Aspies and those who love them into greater understanding. I trust it will be useful to some of you.

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More insights from the Asperger's Expert are on the main page.

The Seven Stages of Asperger's Syndrome: Preview

Like most who have Asperger's Syndrome, I am experiencing AS as an unfolding reality. I am starting a series about how we recognize and come to terms with the syndrome when we or someone we love discovers Asperger's.

I have given the seven stages some cryptic names. Maybe you can infer why I chose each name?

Stage One: Bliss
Stage Two: Inkling
Stage Three: Desperation
Stage Four: Dawn
Stage Five: Darkness
Stage Six: Acceptance
Stage Seven: Celebration

I'll start with some background information on stage-based processes and the Johari Window before diving in to the stages themselves. Check back for more info through January.

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More insights from the Asperger's Expert are on the main page.

Asperger's New Year's Resolutions: Part Two

5: I resolve to give myself a break when I utterly fail to follow through on my commitments. I have some distractibility and am most excited by “the new thing.” That’s part of my personality type as a visionary/innovator. I can modify it or try to moderate it, but I resolve not to wallow in it.

4: I resolve not to spend more than one hour in a funk when I don’t get my way. I tend to pout about disappointments—and I’m sure pouting doesn’t make me a better person.

3: I resolve to start more of my days connecting with God, His word, my faith, righteousness, trying to be Christlike, and trying to bear the image faithfully. I don’t think having Asperger’s give me a pass on walking in truth. I resolve to live like I believe.

2: I resolve not to take people for granted. I love my wife. I treasure my kids. I look forward to celebrating 21 years next week at our favorite restaurant. As the little ones grow up and become my adult kids, I regret time not spent and wish for some more. I have some more with my kids still at home, so I resolve not to waste it.

1: I resolve to do the next right thing. 2009 was a lousy year. All the important things ended great, but there were so many valleys along the way. We had multiple cancer scares, two major surgeries, upheaval at work and challenges at school. Plus, a third child graduated and launched into the world. There were many days when the long view was so cloudy I had to retreat to the front of my nose and just do the next right thing. I want to remember those many lessons and keep doing one right thing in a row. Some year I’ll graduate to at least two right things in a row, but for 2010 a modest resolution, well kept, is sufficient.

Happy New Year! May your 2010 be blessed and may you be a blessing to all.

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More insights from the Asperger's Expert are on the main page.

10 Asperger’s Resolutions for 2010: Part 1

10: I resolve not to freak out over the probable elimination of the term “Asperger’s Syndrome” from the DSM V. I am not Asperger’s and Asperger’s is not me. I can still be who I am with some other label.

9: I resolve to practice a new social courtesy every day for the month of January. I will greet, make eye contact, thank, indulge, ask after, tolerate, those I live and work with.

8: I resolve not to excuse my crusty behavior as an expression of AS. I control what I do, even if I can’t always control who I am.

7: I resolve to enjoy my trains. Training with my son is a pleasurable and appropriate distraction. I won’t regret the time we spend together.

6: I resolve not to resent people who are acting in their own interests. I act in my own interests all the time, so fair’s fair. If it is in someone’s interests to disagree with me, refuse me permission, correct me, etc. it isn’t necessarily personal. I resolve to get and maintain a grip.

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More insights from the Asperger's Expert are on the main page.

Not As Cold As You Think

People who have Asperger’s are often very pragmatic about social relations.

For example, I am instinctively less social than I “should” be to workers and people I meet on a temporary basis. My wife is very good about saying hello, and wishing a good day to workers in tollways and paid parking lots. I have learned from her that it is polite and well-received to add a simple “I hope your day is going well.” (I learn a lot from my wife.)

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As a pragmatist, it makes no logical sense to be solicitous toward people with whom you will have no further contact. Unless you believe in Karma or the three-fold rule, you won’t get any benefit out of the exchange.

In a world where people are reflexively polite and responsive, a person who does not engage in small talk or social niceties seems cold and unfeeling. It may be that that person is simply efficient. If you are or love someone with Asperger’s, perhaps it is worth thinking through this simple truth:

Every opportunity to be polite/social is an opportunity to practice the social skills that may someday be critical to success. The payoff may not be obvious or immediate, but it is worth it to take advantage of every learning opportunity.

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More insights from the Asperger's Expert are on the main page.

Ghandi on a Fishing Boat

Back in high school and college, a series of teachers “introduced” me to Maslow’s hierarchy of psychological needs. The model was very popular in the 80’s, for good reason. The basic logic makes sense, since it is hard to pay attention to membership and belonging needs if you are hungry, homeless, and under assault. (Sorry for the gross oversimplification Abraham.)

However, I always wanted to argue about the claim that the highest level, self-actualization, was so rare and difficult to accomplish that only a few people in history had ever attained it. Commonly, teachers and texts would suggest that only Jesus, Ghandi, and Martin Luther King Jr. were self-actualized individuals.
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I disagree. I think self-actualization is a state, not a level. I slip in and out of Maslow’s levels depending on the context. During a board meeting, if I get hungry I stop caring about whether the board likes me, and I wonder if I can snag some of their spare Chik-fil-a sandwiches. When I am full, rested, and secure, I often skip past the social levels of Abe’s pyramid and jump right to actualizing myself. It’s definitely a human thing and his may be an Asperger’s thing, but I’m not sure.

Here’s an example of a self-actualized epiphany (SEA). When I was 20, my brother died at sea and I inherited his set-net commercial fishing license, boat and gear. (Set-netting is a small-scale fishing method using open skiffs and small crews) That summer, I was a rookie captain with Meric Overman as my main crew and partner. During an opening in July, we decided to take a risk and set our nets at a distant location called Riley’s Wreck (Note to prospective captains—avoid being in places named for past shipwrecks.) Riley’s Wreck is along an exposed section of coastline that faces out across the Bering Strait to Siberia. To get there, Meric and I left Kotzebue and drove south around Cape Blossom.

From the time we passed the airport beacon, Meric and I were on our own with nothing to block the swells rolling across from a Siberian storm. It was intense, cold, and scary. As captain, I had the wheel of a 22-foot open skiff, driving twin outboards into the storm. I had reason to be scared. For one, my mom had lost her only other son just 5 months before—in a storm—at sea. Death and drowning was not abstract to me, and I was churning with my own grief and fear. For another, the waves were big, intense, and growing. But the best fishing was through the storm, around the cape, and down the coast. Mostly though, I was afraid because I was inexperienced, undersized, and completely in control. The waves were nasty, the wind was ripping, the summer sky was starting to dim as it does in late July in the arctic. Our little boat was outmatched, and our little crew was insignificant. And then it happened. Ghandi arrived.

Somewhere just North of Cape Blossom, we synced up with the storm. I started powering down the waves and easing off on the crest. We stopped jumping and pounding and started gliding. Working the throttle and the relaxing on the wheel, we started surfing the swells instead of powering through them. Meric felt it too. He stood with me and we knew without speaking that we could make it through. The next 30 minutes were the most pure expression of capability that I have ever felt. In the midst of real danger and adversity, we were up to the challenge. It was something like the “flow” that Csikszentmihalyi has described throughout his career.

We made it through and set our nets for a modest payday. I remember building a fire on the beach to dry out our gear, then spending a cold night in the storm until fishing the next day. I don’t know how many salmon we caught, or how much we made. What I do treasure is the memory that on that night, in that storm, I had what it takes. That is a touchstone that matters in a world that burdens Aspies with a sense of their abnormality and insufficiency.

I am posting this here at AspergersExpert because I appeal to all of us who are or love an Aspie to adopt a new concept of self-actualization. The tendency of spectrum dwellers to immerse in a challenge and focus intensely on an experience is not anti-social—as we are often told. Instead, it is an experience of self-actualization that is memorable and motivating. Once there, we want to go back. If you get there once, figure out the conditions and go back often. Find what you love and do a lot more of it.

For me, fishing commercially was a season of life that has ended. I haven’t set a net in 20 years. That doesn’t matter now. What matters is the memory and the recognition that I can go back to that metaphorical place when I need to.
A few years ago, I read a book by John Eldredge (Wild at Heart) that contained a quote by Howard Thurman.

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

If you have Asperger’s, don’t ask what makes you more like the world—more “normal.” Ask what takes you to your place of greatest self-actualization. Once you have that answer, do a lot more of that—because our world needs you.

Our. World. Needs. You.


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More insights on the main page.

The Asperger's Express: Why Aspies Love Model Trains

I’ve noticed that one of the most common search strings that leads to this blog is Asperger’s and model trains. Since I’ve learned a little bit about this topic, I thought I’d share my observations about the connection.

In the Asperger’s universe, model trains have advantages over life. As I have written elsewhere, the proportion of people with Aspergers in the general population is eclipsed by the number of my fellow aspies to be found in a model train store on a Sunday afternoon. Why is that?

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Model trains are much more than little machines. They are the centerpiece of a microworld where the engineer engineers the entire creation. In a lot of ways, the owner of a model train layout is a lot like the protagonist in a 1941 science fiction story by Theodore Sturgeon called Microcosmic God about an iconoclast who creates and controls a new species. If you love someone or are someone with Asperger’s, I highly recommend you read the text or a scanned version. Sturgeon didn’t know about Asperger’s because the label didn’t exist in 1941—but he knew enough about they syndrome to paint an accurate picture.

The world of a train modeler (often called a layout) has many advantages over the real world.

Real life is unpredictable, but a layout is highly predictable. If you want them too, the trains can literally run on time. The weather never interferes; and virtually all problems can be solved. The train set is mercilessly, relentlessly rational.

Real life is filled with humans, human emotions, human idioms, human impulses and human ambiguity. The train layout is also filled with humans, but they are plastic and permanent. If a scale-size worker is standing next to a depot, he’ll be standing there again tomorrow—he’s glued to the layout! This kind of routine predictability is comforting and calming to a person for whom the word is constantly disquieting and stressful.

Where human interactions are complex and inscrutable, trains and train operations are complex and completely knowable. Those who model trains can specialize in locomotives (which they like to call “motive power”). They can be expert landscapers, historians, or archeologists. At their most creative, train modelers are artists in four dimensions. They bring the entire physical world to life by operating the train on a scale approximation of an actual train line operation.

For an adult with Asperger’s, playing with trains is not play. Trains satisfy the need to think deeply and drill down to minute details, but model trains are mostly free from the challenges of anticipating and adapting to the social environment. To see a room full of train enthusiasts is to see an environment where a person with Asperger’s can shine. The emphasis on technical knowledge paired with genuine enthusiasm for arcane details is genuinely exciting. The de-emphasis on social sophistication and divergent conversation creates a safer place.

I’m sure there are many people with Asperger’s who don’t care for model trains. I’m certain many model train enthusiasts have no trace of Asperger’s. But where the two domains overlap, you will find a world where people with AS can relax into themselves and experience joy without anxiety. For someone with Asperger’s, that can be a gratifying way to spend time.

The Aspies you love might not be into trains, but I'll bet they're into something. Maybe they need to spend time in another world because the normal world wears them out.

Escaping the Monversation: Three ways to Redirect Obsessive Aspie Discourse

Have you ever found yourself halfway attending to a conversation with your Aspie child/spouse/friend when suddenly you realized that your “uh-huh’s” and distracted nods have committed you to a one-sided stream of consciousness monversation (my term for a monopolized, monotopic, monologue) about trains/pokemon/zoology/dinosaurs/natural disasters or some other fascination of the moment? What can you do?
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First, it helps to understand a bit about our psychology. While we don’t discount the importance and pleasure of social dialogue; we with AS tend to find great satisfaction/pleasure/comfort in the recitation/repetition of stylized facts and information. They are a safe conversational “place” for us, free from the vagaries and unpredictability of typical human conversation. We don’t intend to be disrespectful, but we do—at least subconsciously—act to protect/preserve our own interests. Therefore, transitioning us out of our singular topic is slightly risky and is best attempted with explicit clarity.
Here are three ways to escape the monservation:

1. PREMPT the monversation by helping your aspie child/student analyze a typical conversation. Analyze means to “break down into its constituent parts” so, this exercise is designed to calibrate your Aspie’s sense of what normal conversational interchange look like. As with many cognitive approaches to Asperger’s symptoms, the point of this exercise is to make explicit the intuitive or implicit social rules that most humans learn without direct instruction. How is works: choose a sample of conversation with two partners (work up to three or four as the person with AS can handle it.)
Have the child track the conversation for turn-taking, making a tally mark each time the conversation switches speakers.
Have the child track “echoing” which is a technique we use to synchronize our response with the speaker. This involved repeating or rephrasing a concept or term offered by the other conversant in such a way to amplify, extend, or affirm the original speaker’s idea.
Have the child track non-verbal agreement and attention indicators such as eye contact, “uh-hum’s” postural changes, nods.
Have the child diagram the “conversation train” showing how topics shift over time and trying to see when the conversation jumps the track. For many of us with AS, it is hard to understand how a conversation about the weather can end up in a political debate. (Strangely though, we can turn almost any topic onto our obsessive cul-de-sac.)
If possible, videotape a conversation with your child/student and have them analyze then compare. As much as possible, have the child treat the typical conversation as a template.

2. DISRUPT the monversation by using specific coded cues that only you and the child understand. I like to use proper nouns, such as the speaker’s name. If the child is conversing appropriately, then I use pronouns such as you, he, or we. For example, I might point agree with a statement saying, “We had a similar experience.” But if the child with AS is monopolizing the conversation I might say, “David, do you know if Mr. Jacobsen has ________________________?” This disrupts (hopefully) the monversation by reintroducing the other partner, and by inviting the other conversant to lead for a bit. You could also use colors, numbers, etc. depending on the standard obsession. I like to use the names of people as a way to get my child’s attention and redirect it back to the other person.

3. CONCLUDE the monversation explicitly by setting an end point. I like to choose a set number of facts or stories, such as: “David, you may tell me two more facts about Pokémon and then we are going to have a two-way conversation about some other topics.” Alternatively, for an adult with whom the previous approach would seem condescending, I would be more peer-oriented and say, “John, your interest in hurricanes is more extensive than mine. I would like to change the subject and talk about several other topics as well. While this might seem intrusive and impolite to most people, we Aspies tend to prefer direct conversational direction versus hints and indirect overtures. Key phrases like “change the subject” or “talk about something else” are hard to miss. Even someone with AS will learn your conversational preferences. Asking guided questions is rarely effective at dislodging an Aspie from their preferred conversational track—it is simply too subtle. Making a request or even a polite direction is much more likely to work.

Happy redirecting!


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